When I was 16 years old I was diagnosed with depression. I knew for quite some time prior that something wasn't right; I distinctly remember crying every day for a year when I was aged 13-14 and the feeling was all-consuming.
It was age 13 that I made my first attempt at taking my own life. And yes, this means there were also occasions thereafter when life felt too heavy and I felt hopeless and defeated. I cannot express the overwhelming relief and gratitude now that those attempts were unsuccessful and that I have gone on to lead the happy and fortunate life that I have. But that change in mindset definitely didn't occur overnight.
For me, going to the doctors was a huge initial step. (One small step for Becky; one giant leap for her mental wellbeing!) There was a lot of stigma surrounding mental health and I was encouraged not to go, but I instinctively knew that I had to. I'm going to be real with you, my first experience at the doctors did not feel very positive at the time.
I had brought with me a brainstorm of the chaos that was going on in my mind and areas that I felt may have contributed to the feelings I was experiencing. I was shut down and told "this is too much to read". It is safe to say I saw red that day; I remember thinking ''Wow if you think that piece of A4 is a lot, try living with these thoughts and feelings every day'. But regardless, she set up a prescription of anti-depressants*, referred me onto CBT and I requested another doctor.
There was a lengthy waiting list for CBT, or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which I know can be frustrating but I am so glad I held out**. My therapist taught me how thoughts, feelings and behaviours are all interconnected; she introduced me to mindfulness and the importance of the present moment; she got me to consider how I was falling into negative thinking spirals and helped me to release some of the past traumas I'd held onto.
As my therapy came to an end, I had experienced my second sexual assault (my first was aged 17 and somewhere in the midst of the above). It was on the day of my last session that I was going to file a police report. Her heart went out to me and I felt that deeply at the time, but we used the final session to go through what I had learned and how I could apply that to this very real, very excruciating moment.
She asked me what I would say to a friend if they were in my position and it is amazing the compassion we can feel for others that we often struggle with when it comes to ourselves. We expect ourselves to be perfect, to have all the answers and to know how to handle it when life deals us a fucking shit card; we remove the all-important human element.
If you have experienced a low mood for quite a lengthy period time, I would encourage you to speak to someone you feel comfortable confiding in (my inbox is always open) and also seek medical advice if you are genuinely concerned that you may have a mental illness. 1 in 4 people experience MH issues at some point in their life so please do not be disheartened if that is you.
**I mentioned that there can be a long waiting list to consider, but I have since heard of Better Help who put you in touch with a therapist within 48 hours. Safe Haven is also a good one for immediate help; they operate around office hours, are free and can help with rationalising your monkey mind (note: not an emergency service).
* Finally I want to add that anti-depressants are definitely not a one-size-fits-all. If you are prescribed with them, be really honest with your doctor about the side effects, how you're feeling and if they need to adjust them they will make that judgement call. I take anti-depressants every evening to help balance out the chemicals in my brain, but I had to try a few before finding the right fit and that meant insomnia, dilated pupils and increasingly suicidal thoughts so it is not a "quick-fix". I am no longer ashamed for taking anti-depressants because they take the edge off and give me a base for effectively doing the work!
"You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously"
- Sophia Bush